Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
