My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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