I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
