He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
