Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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