We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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