I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
