Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize