Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
