I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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