I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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