Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
