when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
