I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
