I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
