nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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