WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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