either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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