Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
