dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
