Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
