quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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