i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
