Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
