You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
