He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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