There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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