Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize