and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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