I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
