You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
