If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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