I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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