if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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