Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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