hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
