my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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