Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
