toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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