One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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