I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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