dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
