I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
