I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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