I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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