You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize