who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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