Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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