I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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