if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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