She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
