At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
