you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
