she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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