I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
