I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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