Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
