If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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