You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
