Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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